Wednesday, November 24, 2004

A New Roman Catholic Pet-Rock Idea!

It seems my admission to my lack of available blog time worked to my advantage by stirring waves of sympathy from at least one reader who has decided to supply me with blog-worthy material. Thanks Ali! : )

A while back I wrote a blog piece on the exorbitant speaker fees of Roman Catholic apologists, and suggested at that time that it was the Roman Catholic equivalent of a "pet rock"-like money-making scheme. For those of you who decided that might be a good way to make money, don't waste your time. There's now a better pet rock that you can take advantage of. It costs much less in terms of preparation time and effort. All you need is a griddle, some butter, a loaf of bread and a stack of individually wrapped slices of cheese.

By now you've no doubt heard about the the infamous "Virgin Mary Grilled-Cheese Sandwich" that was actioned on eBay. Ten years ago its original owner, Diana Duyser, prepared it and took a bite out of it before noticing that she had almost eaten the Ark of the Covenant for lunch. That's right, Mary was in the grilled cheese sandwich. Here's the whole story.

Suggestions for Roman Catholic pet rock enthusiasts:

1) Invest in a frying pan, a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, and a pack of cheese (I hear the Co-Mediatrix likes Kraft the best). It's a small investment, and the ROI can't be beat. It helps your chances if you first engrave a figure of Mary in the frying pan--or at the very least, using the stick of butter as a "pencil," draw a figure of Mary in the hot pan before placing the bread on it.

2) Once you get something that resembles the Queen of the Universe, resist the temptation to eat it! Ms. Duyser could no doubt have auctioned her sandwich for twice the amount if the sandwich had been intact.

3) Next, take a picture of the sandwich (digital is best), wrap the sandwich in a ziplock bag and freeze it. There is no need to place cotton balls in the bag and keep it at room temperature as Ms. Duyser did. Mary is impervious to cold, and the bread will be preserved much longer.

4) While the image is freezing, place the picture on eBay using a minimum bid of $28,000 (that's the established market for a damaged grilled-cheese Mary, and you'll want to get something higher than that), along with a statement that makes it very clear what an avid Mary venerator you are.

5) Once the grilled-cheese Mary sells, take the picture to your local promotions-item shop and have them make up about 1,000 t-shirts bearing the image of the grilled-cheese Mary, along with the text "Someone bought a Grilled-Cheese Mary, and All I got Was This Lousy T-Shirt." See if you can arrange a payment plan for them, or simply pay by credit card. That way, you'll incur no out-of-pocket expenses.

6) Place the t-shirts for auction at eBay, and sell then for $25 a piece. In no time at all you'll make more than twice the amount you had to pay to have them made. Once you have paid the promotions-item shop (or your credit card company), you'll have earned an additional $15,000.

The time and effort required to go this route is much less taxing than to wait around hoping some church group is willing to shell out $1200 per hour to hear you speak; plus, the returns are much greater!